1
00:00:10,276 --> 00:00:13,734
[Earl Narrating] You know that guy
you see going into the convenience store...

2
00:00:13,847 --> 00:00:17,874
when you stop off in that little town
on the way to Grandma's house?

3
00:00:17,984 --> 00:00:21,511
Sort of shifty lookin'fella who buys
a pack of smokes, a couple lotto scratchers...

4
00:00:21,621 --> 00:00:24,089
and a tallboy
at 10:00 in the mornin'?

5
00:00:24,190 --> 00:00:27,956
The kind of guy you wait to come out
before you and your family go in?

6
00:00:32,165 --> 00:00:34,895
Well, that guy's me.

7
00:00:35,001 --> 00:00:38,027
My name is Earl.

8
00:00:38,138 --> 00:00:41,164
And if you took the time
to really get to know me...

9
00:00:41,274 --> 00:00:44,573
find out what kind of person
I truly am instead of just stereotypin 'me...

10
00:00:44,677 --> 00:00:49,205
because of the way I look,
well, you'd be wasting your time.

11
00:00:49,315 --> 00:00:52,079
Because I'm exactly
who you think I am.

12
00:00:54,154 --> 00:00:57,248
Hell, I'll pretty much steal anything
that isn't nailed down.

13
00:01:05,498 --> 00:01:09,366
About six years ago, I was out drinkin'
when I met this little firecracker.

14
00:01:09,469 --> 00:01:11,903
You got great boobs, Peggy.

15
00:01:12,005 --> 00:01:15,771
- Her name was not Peggy.
- My name is Joy.

16
00:01:15,875 --> 00:01:18,867
You got great boobs, Joy.

17
00:01:18,978 --> 00:01:23,347
She kept buyin' me drinks,
and later that night she drove us to Vegas.

18
00:01:23,450 --> 00:01:25,748
By the time I sobered up,
we were married.

19
00:01:25,852 --> 00:01:27,717
[Camera Shutter Clicks]

20
00:01:30,256 --> 00:01:34,386
The next mornin' I was recuperating
from being a little... over-served.

21
00:01:34,494 --> 00:01:37,520
- Morning, Hubby.
- [Moans]

22
00:01:37,630 --> 00:01:41,157
Hell, when I was drinking,
I just thought she had a bit of a belly.

23
00:01:41,267 --> 00:01:44,259
Some people might think gettin'
so drunk you accidentally marry a woman...

24
00:01:44,370 --> 00:01:48,067
that's six months pregnant
is a good reason to stop drinkin'.

25
00:01:48,174 --> 00:01:51,143
Personally, I think
it's a good reason to keep drinkin'.

26
00:01:51,244 --> 00:01:56,614
Joy didn 't remember much about the boy's
real father, except that he drove a Ford.

27
00:01:56,716 --> 00:01:58,741
So, we named him Dodge.

28
00:01:58,852 --> 00:02:03,084
A few years later, we were having
our first child from my own personal seed.

29
00:02:03,189 --> 00:02:06,556
- [Screaming]
- The doctors already told us
he was gonna come out a boy...

30
00:02:06,659 --> 00:02:09,355
so we went ahead
and named him.

31
00:02:09,462 --> 00:02:11,293
There he was.

32
00:02:11,397 --> 00:02:14,127
Earl Jr.

33
00:02:14,234 --> 00:02:18,136
[Boys Shouting]

34
00:02:18,238 --> 00:02:23,972
People ask me how I can stay with a cheatin'
wife and two horrible kids that aren't mine.

35
00:02:24,077 --> 00:02:27,535
I guess I just believe
in the sanctity of marriage.

36
00:02:27,647 --> 00:02:30,946
Besides, I'm sure just as many people
ask her why she hasn't thrown out...

37
00:02:31,050 --> 00:02:34,713
her good-for-nothing husband
and his brother who lives on their couch.

38
00:02:34,821 --> 00:02:38,348
That's Randy, the best brother
anyone could ever ask for.

39
00:02:42,962 --> 00:02:47,331
We usually spend our days
hanging out over at Ernie's Crab Shack.

40
00:02:48,835 --> 00:02:53,033
- Hey!
- I got you, Earl. You're it! You're it.

41
00:02:53,139 --> 00:02:56,165
[Earl Narrating]
That's Sonny. We play beer can tag.

42
00:02:56,276 --> 00:02:59,006
Ain't no use runnin', fool! I know where
your mama parks your house!

43
00:03:00,880 --> 00:03:03,178
That's Darnell.
He's always hooking us up...

44
00:03:03,283 --> 00:03:06,616
with bowls full of stuff he's not
legally allowed to put in the crab cakes.

45
00:03:06,719 --> 00:03:08,983
- Thanks, Crab Man.
- No problem, Earl.

46
00:03:12,458 --> 00:03:15,552
- Thank you, Darnell.
- Any time,Joy.

47
00:03:15,662 --> 00:03:19,860
Rand y and I love the free crab meat, and
for some reason,Joy loved comin'here too.

48
00:03:21,167 --> 00:03:23,863
And if we were lucky,
Wanda would push B-7.

49
00:03:26,706 --> 00:03:29,231
Oh, no, she didn't.

50
00:03:29,342 --> 00:03:32,675
Wanda, don't tell me
you pushed B-7.

51
00:03:36,716 --> 00:03:39,116
[Earl Narrating]
Anyway, that was ourlife.

52
00:03:39,219 --> 00:03:43,679
It wasn't glamorous or nothin',
but it was regular enough.

53
00:03:43,790 --> 00:03:46,850
At least it was regular enough
until three weeks ago.

54
00:03:50,863 --> 00:03:52,421
Son of a bitch.

55
00:03:56,636 --> 00:03:59,969
Son of a bitch! Whoo-hoo!

56
00:04:00,073 --> 00:04:01,665
Whoo-hoo!

57
00:04:01,774 --> 00:04:05,540
I 'm rich!
$ 100,000, sucker!

58
00:04:05,645 --> 00:04:08,876
- [Grunts]
- [Screaming]

59
00:04:11,184 --> 00:04:13,482
- [Tires Screeching]
- [Car Departs]

60
00:04:13,586 --> 00:04:16,248
That was the happiest
10 seconds ofmy life.

61
00:04:21,928 --> 00:04:26,092
As soon as I was conscious,
Randy went back to look for my scratcher.

62
00:04:26,199 --> 00:04:28,724
- [Car Horns Honking]
- But I knew he wouldn't find it.

63
00:04:28,835 --> 00:04:33,067
I would have been more upset
if I wasn't so doped up.

64
00:04:35,775 --> 00:04:39,404
- Hey, baby.
- Hey there. Sign these next to
the sticky little yellow things.

65
00:04:39,512 --> 00:04:41,480
Okeydokey.

66
00:04:44,984 --> 00:04:48,442
Earl J. Hickey.

67
00:04:50,223 --> 00:04:52,623
- Hey, Crab Man.
- Hey, Earl.

68
00:04:52,725 --> 00:04:55,956
Darnell's parents threw him out for
growing weed in his closet, so he's moving in.

69
00:04:56,062 --> 00:04:58,326
- We're thinkin' about gettin' married.
- But we're married.

70
00:04:58,431 --> 00:05:02,094
Not anymore we're not.
Thank you for the trailer.

71
00:05:02,201 --> 00:05:04,965
Trust me, Earl, this is gonna
be better for everybody involved.

72
00:05:05,071 --> 00:05:09,030
Earl Jr. really should be with
his daddy. Feel better now, okay.

73
00:05:11,210 --> 00:05:15,647
Now, I've never been much of a complainer,
but lyin' in traction that night...

74
00:05:15,748 --> 00:05:17,875
knowing that I no longer
had a home...

75
00:05:17,984 --> 00:05:19,952
no longer had a wife...

76
00:05:20,053 --> 00:05:23,181
and no longer had
a $ 100,000 lottery ticket...

77
00:05:23,289 --> 00:05:27,851
well, I think I might have cried if I wasn't
afraid of Randy waking up and seeing me.

78
00:05:27,960 --> 00:05:31,054
Then it happened.
I was just flipping the channels...

79
00:05:31,164 --> 00:05:33,064
and... he came on.

80
00:05:33,166 --> 00:05:38,194
Forget about me. I wanna know about you.
I wanna know about Carson Daly.

81
00:05:38,304 --> 00:05:41,296
Every time I see you, you got
a beautiful woman on your arm.

82
00:05:41,407 --> 00:05:44,137
You got a talk show,
you got your own record company.

83
00:05:44,243 --> 00:05:47,906
- What's your secret?.
- Well, if you must know, uh, I'm Satan.

84
00:05:48,014 --> 00:05:50,482
- [Laughs]
- I don't know.

85
00:05:50,583 --> 00:05:52,847
Seriously, I, uh-
I've been very blessed.

86
00:05:52,952 --> 00:05:55,978
I also believe that
what goes around comes around.

87
00:05:56,089 --> 00:05:58,148
And that's how I try
and live my life.

88
00:05:58,257 --> 00:06:00,851
You do good things
and good things happen to you.

89
00:06:00,960 --> 00:06:03,929
You do bad things, and it'll come back
to haunt you. It's karma.

90
00:06:04,030 --> 00:06:06,624
[Earl Narrating]
Karma. There it was.

91
00:06:06,733 --> 00:06:12,228
The secret of life coming straight from
Carson Daly's lips to my morphine-laced ears.

92
00:06:17,009 --> 00:06:20,672
When they finally released me
from the hospital, we checked into a motel.

93
00:06:20,780 --> 00:06:25,046
It didn 't take Randy long to make friends
with the help. It never does.

94
00:06:25,151 --> 00:06:27,051
How long is your break, Catalina?.

95
00:06:27,153 --> 00:06:29,747
The manager went
to the dog track.

96
00:06:29,856 --> 00:06:32,347
I'm on my own schedule
for the afternoon.

97
00:06:32,458 --> 00:06:34,949
Do good things and
good things happen to you.

98
00:06:35,061 --> 00:06:37,723
Do bad things and
it'll come back to haunt you.

99
00:06:37,830 --> 00:06:41,266
That's deep, Earl. So why don't you
stop hogging them Vicodins they gave you...

100
00:06:41,367 --> 00:06:43,392
we can all chat
about that for a while.

101
00:06:43,503 --> 00:06:45,733
- I'm talkin' about karma.
- Who's Karma?.

102
00:06:45,838 --> 00:06:49,035
I don't know.
Something Carson Daly came up with.

103
00:06:49,142 --> 00:06:53,670
He says he does good things in life
and that's why his life is so great.

104
00:06:53,780 --> 00:06:55,907
Got me thinkin'.
My life sucks...

105
00:06:56,015 --> 00:06:58,108
and I ain't ever done
anything good I can think of.

106
00:06:58,217 --> 00:07:01,345
Who is this Carson Daly?
Is he some sort of spiritual leader?

107
00:07:01,454 --> 00:07:03,718
- A holy man?.
- You never seen T.R.L.?

108
00:07:03,823 --> 00:07:07,657
You need to start puttin' on some of
these TVs when you're cleaning the toilets.

109
00:07:07,760 --> 00:07:11,719
If I want a better life,
I need to be a better person.

110
00:07:11,831 --> 00:07:15,631
- What's this?.
- I made a list of everything bad I've ever done.

111
00:07:15,735 --> 00:07:17,600
- Why?.
- Why?

112
00:07:17,703 --> 00:07:21,605
Randy, I just won $100,000 in the lottery,
and was immediately hit by a car.

113
00:07:21,707 --> 00:07:25,473
I almost died because somethin'good
happened to me that I didn't deserve.

114
00:07:25,578 --> 00:07:29,446
That karma stuff is gonna kill me unless
I make up for everything on that list.

115
00:07:31,551 --> 00:07:35,282
"Number 23-
peed in the back of a cop car."

116
00:07:35,388 --> 00:07:37,288
I'm no longer proud of that.

117
00:07:37,390 --> 00:07:41,190
"Number 41 -
snatched a kid's Halloween candy...

118
00:07:41,294 --> 00:07:44,024
when he came to my trailer
to trick or treat."

119
00:07:44,130 --> 00:07:46,496
That was wrong,
and I know that now.

120
00:07:46,599 --> 00:07:50,194
"Number 102-
harmed and possibly killed...

121
00:07:50,303 --> 00:07:53,466
innocent people
with secondhand smoke."

122
00:07:53,573 --> 00:07:56,371
How in the world are you gonna
fix these things, Earl?

123
00:07:56,476 --> 00:07:58,603
I don't know.
Start with the easy ones.

124
00:07:58,711 --> 00:08:01,202
Like, um, number 64-

125
00:08:01,314 --> 00:08:03,043
"Picked on Kenny James."

126
00:08:03,149 --> 00:08:06,676
I used to torment the hell out of that
poor boy back in elementary school.

127
00:08:06,786 --> 00:08:09,584
- What do you think you're gonna do about it now?.
- I don't know. Find him.

128
00:08:09,689 --> 00:08:12,954
- Do something nice for him,
and then cross him off the list.
- Excuse me.

129
00:08:13,059 --> 00:08:16,551
But if my boss comes back andsees
there's no garbage in the parking lot...

130
00:08:16,662 --> 00:08:18,562
he's gonna get used to it
like that.

131
00:08:18,664 --> 00:08:21,030
- So could you please put it back?.
- No, I can't.

132
00:08:21,133 --> 00:08:24,296
Number 136-
I've been a litterbug.

133
00:08:24,403 --> 00:08:26,371
Well, here.
Cross that one off your stupid list.

134
00:08:26,472 --> 00:08:30,340
I can't cross it off the list. Not until
I've picked up as much as I littered.

135
00:08:30,443 --> 00:08:34,311
And my list isn't stupid either.
It's my road map to a better life.

136
00:08:34,413 --> 00:08:38,645
Well, I hope that road
has free gas and free food...

137
00:08:38,751 --> 00:08:40,912
and a van big enough
for us to sleep in...

138
00:08:41,020 --> 00:08:43,989
'cause we've just spent
our last $45 on this room.

139
00:08:44,090 --> 00:08:47,548
And I'm not cuttin' into my beer money
for some stupid-ass crusade.

140
00:08:54,534 --> 00:08:58,470
Son of a bitch.
It's workin'.

141
00:09:01,574 --> 00:09:06,841
[Earl Narrating] When I went overto
the lottery office, they sure made a big fuss.

142
00:09:06,946 --> 00:09:10,279
Randyhad an idea to get
an extra 100,000 out of the deal.

143
00:09:10,383 --> 00:09:13,011
- Thank you, I setta.
- But I knew it wasn't gonna work.

144
00:09:17,156 --> 00:09:20,614
Can I borrow a pen?.

145
00:09:20,726 --> 00:09:25,663
I wanted to get started on my list as soon
as possible, so my life would start gettin' better.

146
00:09:25,765 --> 00:09:27,756
Hell, it was already better.

147
00:09:27,867 --> 00:09:30,392
Our new friend Catalina
had the day off and nothin' to do...

148
00:09:30,503 --> 00:09:33,597
so Randy and I had
somethin' pretty to look at.

149
00:09:33,706 --> 00:09:36,869
Plus, I finally had enough money
to buy somethin' I've always wanted for my car.

150
00:09:36,976 --> 00:09:39,740
- [Car Alarm Beeps]
- Which house belongs to this boy you tortured?.

151
00:09:39,845 --> 00:09:41,745
That's his parents' house
right over there.

152
00:09:41,847 --> 00:09:44,213
We don't know where Kenny lives now,
but Randy'll find out.

153
00:09:44,317 --> 00:09:46,615
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
That's four.

154
00:09:46,719 --> 00:09:48,880
- I'm still thirsty.
- Look, you had four.

155
00:09:48,988 --> 00:09:52,924
You can have another one
when you come out. Go on now.

156
00:09:53,025 --> 00:09:56,586
- So, why aren't you going in?.
- I get nervous when I lie.

157
00:09:56,696 --> 00:10:00,757
Randy's a pro, so long as he's got
the right number of beers in him.

158
00:10:00,866 --> 00:10:03,027
Four seems to be
the magic number.

159
00:10:03,135 --> 00:10:08,596
Any more and he starts to get
a little bit... unpredictable.

160
00:10:08,708 --> 00:10:11,677
[Razor Buzzing]

161
00:10:16,682 --> 00:10:20,516
Earl! Your brother shaved
the damn cat again.

162
00:10:20,620 --> 00:10:23,987
Randy hadn't been inside Kenny's parents'
house since we robbed it in high school...

163
00:10:24,090 --> 00:10:26,991
and all we got
was a backpack full of birds.

164
00:10:27,093 --> 00:10:30,859
So, are you visiting all of
Kenny's classmates' parents?.

165
00:10:30,963 --> 00:10:32,988
Only the ones
we've lost contact with.

166
00:10:33,099 --> 00:10:37,297
You see, as class president,
it's my duty to organize the reunion...

167
00:10:37,403 --> 00:10:40,099
and I'd hate for anyone
to miss out on all the fun.

168
00:10:40,206 --> 00:10:44,040
You know, what with all that catching up
and them little appetizers and all.

169
00:10:44,143 --> 00:10:48,136
- Oh, isn't that sweet?.
- Can I get you a beer, son?.

170
00:10:52,084 --> 00:10:54,848
I would love a beer.
Thank you.

171
00:10:58,824 --> 00:11:01,486
- Whoa. What are you doing?.
- You don't like me?.

172
00:11:01,594 --> 00:11:04,062
No, no. You're nice.
It's just... Randy.

173
00:11:04,163 --> 00:11:07,997
When you came in to give us
towels, he called dibs.

174
00:11:16,676 --> 00:11:19,509
Dibs.

175
00:11:19,612 --> 00:11:21,671
[Sirens Approaching]

176
00:11:30,890 --> 00:11:35,224
In case you're wondering how many beers it takes
for Randy to get himself into trouble...

177
00:11:35,327 --> 00:11:37,693
nine seems to be
the magic number.

178
00:11:37,797 --> 00:11:42,234
Luckily, he got Kenny's address
before he pissed off Mr.James.

179
00:11:42,334 --> 00:11:46,327
I think I have Kenny's yearbook
in here somewhere.

180
00:11:50,276 --> 00:11:52,176
Dibs.

181
00:11:55,347 --> 00:11:58,373
At first we had a little trouble
finding Kenny's house.

182
00:11:58,484 --> 00:12:03,581
You see, Randy wrote the address on his hand,
and sweated off the last digit during his getaway.

183
00:12:03,689 --> 00:12:06,522
But eventually we found it.

184
00:12:06,625 --> 00:12:09,890
There he is.
Kenny James.

185
00:12:09,995 --> 00:12:12,793
Man, I got a weird feelin'
in my stomach.

186
00:12:12,898 --> 00:12:17,062
Maybe you got stomach cancer.
Can karma cause stomach cancer?.

187
00:12:17,169 --> 00:12:19,535
I don't know.

188
00:12:19,638 --> 00:12:22,368
It's probably just guilt.

189
00:12:22,475 --> 00:12:26,605
[Earl Narrating] She was probably right.
I wasn't proud ofthe way I treated Kenny.

190
00:12:26,712 --> 00:12:29,203
- [Children Shouting]
- Hey, Kenny!

191
00:12:29,315 --> 00:12:31,806
I bet you strike out again,
you dork!

192
00:12:31,917 --> 00:12:33,714
That's enough, Earl!

193
00:12:33,819 --> 00:12:36,811
Just ignore him, Kenny,
and try your best.

194
00:12:43,229 --> 00:12:45,561
[Children Shouting]

195
00:12:48,234 --> 00:12:51,761
[Groans, Whimpers]

196
00:12:53,372 --> 00:12:55,237
You're out!

197
00:12:55,407 --> 00:12:57,500
I watched Kenny
for a few days...

198
00:12:57,610 --> 00:13:01,512
and tried to figure out how to make up
for all the abuse I put him through.

199
00:13:01,614 --> 00:13:06,483
Kenny had a good job
as an assistant manager at the Copy Hut...

200
00:13:09,021 --> 00:13:12,184
a powder blue Le Car
he took pride in...

201
00:13:13,692 --> 00:13:16,092
and the nicest house
on the block.

202
00:13:17,663 --> 00:13:21,531
But he didn't have anyone
to share it with. He was lonely.

203
00:13:21,634 --> 00:13:26,264
There was something special missin' in his life
that every man needs to feel whole.

204
00:13:26,372 --> 00:13:29,034
I gotta get him laid.

205
00:13:29,141 --> 00:13:32,042
- What?.
- Kenny. I made him feel bad his whole childhood.

206
00:13:32,144 --> 00:13:35,409
If I wanna cross him off my list,
I gotta make him feel good.

207
00:13:35,514 --> 00:13:37,641
A little pleasure to make up
for all that pain.

208
00:13:37,750 --> 00:13:41,117
What kind of woman are you gonna get
to have sex with a scrawny little man like that?.

209
00:13:41,220 --> 00:13:43,882
Yeah. You need muscles
to get laid.

210
00:13:45,658 --> 00:13:48,183
Not with Patty you don't.

211
00:13:50,129 --> 00:13:52,791
Patty wasn't
your run-of-the-mill prostitute.

212
00:13:52,898 --> 00:13:54,889
She was a daytime hooker.

213
00:13:55,000 --> 00:13:58,458
It takes a special kind of woman
to sell sexual favors in the light ofday.

214
00:13:58,571 --> 00:14:02,564
And I was right.
Patty doesn't care if a man has muscles.

215
00:14:02,675 --> 00:14:04,575
Muscles can't buy Mad Dog.

216
00:14:06,178 --> 00:14:08,578
- Hey, Patty.
- Hey, boys.

217
00:14:08,681 --> 00:14:11,582
- Is it Randy's birthday al ready?.
- No, we got another job for you.

218
00:14:11,684 --> 00:14:13,515
[Knocking]

219
00:14:13,619 --> 00:14:17,214
- Hello.
- Hey, sweetie. I'm from Greenpeace.

220
00:14:17,323 --> 00:14:20,656
I need to talk to you about the sky
and whales and all that crap.

221
00:14:20,759 --> 00:14:24,320
You got anything
to drink in here?.

222
00:14:24,430 --> 00:14:26,921
- Do you have a toothbrush I could borrow?.
- Ma'am?.

223
00:14:27,032 --> 00:14:29,091
[Dirt Bike Engine Rewing]

224
00:14:30,703 --> 00:14:33,866
Well, look who's comin'.

225
00:14:43,115 --> 00:14:44,776
You're it!

226
00:14:44,884 --> 00:14:46,749
Hey, Earl. Nice one.

227
00:14:48,320 --> 00:14:50,515
Hey, you guys looking
to rob one of these houses?.

228
00:14:50,623 --> 00:14:52,523
'Cause there's an unlocked one
down the street.

229
00:14:52,625 --> 00:14:54,752
- No, thanks.
- All right.

230
00:14:54,860 --> 00:14:59,297
If it's about last time, I promise
I'm not gonna mess up again.

231
00:15:04,870 --> 00:15:06,770
Where'd Sonny go?.

232
00:15:13,646 --> 00:15:16,376
Sorry, Sonny, but I'm out
of the house-robbin' business.

233
00:15:16,482 --> 00:15:19,315
- Bye, sweetie.
- And into the pimpin' business.

234
00:15:19,418 --> 00:15:21,818
Well, I could help out
with that too.

235
00:15:21,921 --> 00:15:25,618
I got an uncle, real lonely guy, but
he gets a disability check every Thursday.

236
00:15:25,724 --> 00:15:29,717
- Look, Sonny, we'll talk about it later.
- All right.

237
00:15:29,828 --> 00:15:33,992
- How'd it go?.
- He gave me $10 to help baby monkeys.

238
00:15:34,099 --> 00:15:37,262
How was the sex?. You got anything
in the tank left over for me?.

239
00:15:37,369 --> 00:15:39,769
- We didn't do it.
- What?. Patty, we had a deal.

240
00:15:39,872 --> 00:15:42,272
I did what you said.
I told him I thought he was cute...

241
00:15:42,374 --> 00:15:44,467
and I tried to kiss him,
but he wasn't interested.

242
00:15:44,576 --> 00:15:48,410
Damn it, Patty.
I'm on a schedule here. Come on, Randy.

243
00:15:48,514 --> 00:15:54,009
I tried, Earl. I did. Towards the end
I even pulled out my good boob.

244
00:15:56,055 --> 00:15:57,989
You think
he's gonna remember you?.

245
00:15:59,959 --> 00:16:02,587
- [Whimpers]
- Yeah, I think he remembers me.

246
00:16:05,864 --> 00:16:07,832
[Beeping]

247
00:16:07,933 --> 00:16:12,370
- Kenny, calm down.
- I have a restraining order against you, Earl Hickey.

248
00:16:12,471 --> 00:16:15,838
But that was written on a brown paper bag
by the school nurse 20 years ago.

249
00:16:15,941 --> 00:16:17,932
Besides, I made you eat it,
remember?.

250
00:16:18,043 --> 00:16:20,705
Yeah, well, just take
what you want and leave.

251
00:16:20,813 --> 00:16:23,475
- All I wanna do is talk.
- Hold on a second.

252
00:16:23,582 --> 00:16:26,983
- If you're giving stuff away, I'll take this.
- Put it down.

253
00:16:27,086 --> 00:16:30,214
- It's got a CD player in it.
- Put it down!

254
00:16:30,322 --> 00:16:34,281
Listen, Kenny.
I'm here to help you.

255
00:16:34,393 --> 00:16:36,554
I don't need your help.

256
00:16:36,662 --> 00:16:39,529
Buddy, you just gave up a chance
to have free sex with a daytime hooker.

257
00:16:39,631 --> 00:16:41,531
- You need my help.
- Earl?.

258
00:16:41,633 --> 00:16:44,363
- Not now, Randy.
- Shut that drawer!

259
00:16:44,470 --> 00:16:48,338
Kenny, I'm here to help you find
a woman so that you can be happy.

260
00:16:48,440 --> 00:16:53,639
Earl, I think you're tryin'
to sell a cat to a man who fancies dogs.

261
00:17:06,325 --> 00:17:09,522
[Earl Narrating] I know this might
sound crazyin this day andage...

262
00:17:09,628 --> 00:17:14,429
but we live in a small town, and I've never
been face-to-face with a gay before.

263
00:17:16,135 --> 00:17:19,764
I understand now
the runnin'probably wasn't necessary.

264
00:17:24,610 --> 00:17:26,669
- That's it. Kenny's off the list.
- Good.

265
00:17:26,779 --> 00:17:30,681
- Isn't that against the rules?.
- Look, I made the list.
That means I make the rules.

266
00:17:30,783 --> 00:17:33,513
The guy was gay. Gay.
That's special circumstances.

267
00:17:33,619 --> 00:17:36,486
I don't have to help
if there's special circumstances.

268
00:17:36,588 --> 00:17:38,715
Here. Get us a couple of cheeseburgers
from the machine.

269
00:17:38,824 --> 00:17:41,850
Okay. So, what's next?.

270
00:17:41,960 --> 00:17:46,192
Number 86- stole a car
from a one-legged girl.

271
00:17:49,068 --> 00:17:51,036
What happened here?.

272
00:17:52,538 --> 00:17:55,029
Ow! Damn, girl!
Have you lost your mind?.

273
00:17:55,140 --> 00:17:57,608
- Who's the whore?.
- What did you just call me?.

274
00:17:57,709 --> 00:18:00,701
- She's the maid. Relax.
- Did you think I wasn't gonna find out?.

275
00:18:04,850 --> 00:18:06,818
Damn. Look at that.
My eyes are closed.

276
00:18:06,919 --> 00:18:08,614
I want half
that lotto money, Earl.

277
00:18:08,720 --> 00:18:12,315
I wanted a legitimate baby and a wife
who didn't huff paint on Thanksgivin'...

278
00:18:12,424 --> 00:18:15,222
but I guess life's full
of little disappointments, now ain't it?.

279
00:18:15,327 --> 00:18:18,387
They only had one Mello Yello left.
You wanna wrestle for it?.

280
00:18:18,497 --> 00:18:20,795
[Groans]

281
00:18:20,899 --> 00:18:23,732
That's it!
Gimme the damn phone!

282
00:18:23,836 --> 00:18:28,739
I'm gonna get that money, Earl!
I want it.

283
00:18:33,445 --> 00:18:35,606
- [Catalina] That's your ex-wife?
- Yep.

284
00:18:35,714 --> 00:18:38,842
As crazy as she is, I'd be lyin'
if I said I wasn't gonna miss her.

285
00:18:38,951 --> 00:18:42,478
- [Grunts]
- [Alarm Beeping]

286
00:18:42,588 --> 00:18:45,523
[Alarm Beeps, Stops]

287
00:18:45,624 --> 00:18:48,092
- Hey, Earl.
- Hey, Crab Man.

288
00:18:49,628 --> 00:18:51,596
What happened?.

289
00:18:52,664 --> 00:18:55,792
Karma. Karma happened.

290
00:18:59,805 --> 00:19:01,898
[Earl Narrating]
And I believed it too. Think about it.

291
00:19:02,007 --> 00:19:04,066
As soon as I decided
not to help Kenny...

292
00:19:04,176 --> 00:19:07,543
Joy broke into my room
and beat me up with a phone.

293
00:19:07,646 --> 00:19:10,206
That's when I realized
I have to stick to the plan.

294
00:19:10,315 --> 00:19:12,579
There are no special circumstances.

295
00:19:12,684 --> 00:19:16,245
I may have made the list,
but I do not make the rules.

296
00:19:16,355 --> 00:19:18,255
Karma makes the rules.

297
00:19:18,357 --> 00:19:22,453
The one-legged girl would have to wait.
Kenny had to be first.

298
00:19:27,299 --> 00:19:30,791
- Stay away. I bought Mace.
- I just want to talk, Kenny. Relax.

299
00:19:30,903 --> 00:19:35,033
[Screaming]
Ow!

300
00:19:35,140 --> 00:19:37,768
Kenny?.

301
00:19:37,876 --> 00:19:41,312
Hey, Kenny.
How's it feelin' now?.

302
00:19:41,413 --> 00:19:45,349
Better, yeah. Thanks for pinning me
down on the ground...

303
00:19:45,450 --> 00:19:47,918
prying my eyes open
and pouring the milk in.

304
00:19:48,020 --> 00:19:52,753
- I think that helped a lot.
- You steal enough purses,
you learn a few things about Mace.

305
00:19:52,858 --> 00:19:54,826
Mm-hmm.

306
00:20:03,468 --> 00:20:05,459
Why-
[Clears Throat]

307
00:20:05,571 --> 00:20:07,869
God, wow. That's-
[Chuckles]

308
00:20:07,973 --> 00:20:10,168
Why don't you have a man, Kenny?.

309
00:20:10,275 --> 00:20:12,175
What?.

310
00:20:12,277 --> 00:20:15,542
If you like... men...

311
00:20:15,647 --> 00:20:18,377
why don't you, uh,
have a man?.

312
00:20:18,483 --> 00:20:20,883
That's none of your business.

313
00:20:20,986 --> 00:20:22,886
No, it's not. I know that.

314
00:20:22,988 --> 00:20:26,321
Trust me, I don't really wanna know.
It's just you seem lonely.

315
00:20:26,425 --> 00:20:30,953
And I gotta figure out how I'm gonna
help you so I can cross you off my list.

316
00:20:31,063 --> 00:20:32,963
What list?.

317
00:20:33,065 --> 00:20:36,432
You're number 64.
But don't let that fool you.

318
00:20:36,535 --> 00:20:38,503
I'm doin' you first.

319
00:20:40,072 --> 00:20:44,304
You see, Kenny, my life sucks.

320
00:20:44,409 --> 00:20:46,934
And it's because
I've been a bad person.

321
00:20:47,045 --> 00:20:49,172
I'm hopin' if I can
do some good things...

322
00:20:49,281 --> 00:20:51,977
then maybe some good things
might finally happen to me.

323
00:20:52,084 --> 00:20:54,484
You're talking about karma.

324
00:20:54,586 --> 00:20:57,146
You're a Carson Daly fan too, huh?.

325
00:20:57,256 --> 00:21:00,248
Yeah, I'm talkin'about karma.

326
00:21:02,361 --> 00:21:04,420
You're really trying to change?.

327
00:21:04,529 --> 00:21:06,759
If I don't,
I think life's gonna kill me.

328
00:21:08,834 --> 00:21:12,770
I don't have a man because...
nobody knows I'm gay.

329
00:21:12,871 --> 00:21:15,601
You know what this town
is like, Earl.

330
00:21:15,707 --> 00:21:18,574
Besides, even if people knew,
where am I gonna meet anyone?.

331
00:21:18,677 --> 00:21:22,169
What about the city?.
Don't they have special bars for the queers?.

332
00:21:22,281 --> 00:21:26,809
I'm sorry.
Uh, Homosexual-Americans.

333
00:21:26,918 --> 00:21:28,818
I tried that once.

334
00:21:28,920 --> 00:21:33,857
I drove an hour and a half just to
sit out front in my car, too scared to go in.

335
00:21:42,934 --> 00:21:45,266
- You need to move your car.
- I'm straight!

336
00:21:45,370 --> 00:21:48,635
- You can't park here.
- Okay. I'm straight!

337
00:21:51,543 --> 00:21:53,443
[Clears Throat]

338
00:21:53,545 --> 00:21:56,013
What if I went with you?.
[Grunts]

339
00:21:56,114 --> 00:22:00,813
- What?.
- Maybe you won't be scared if you're not alone.

340
00:22:00,919 --> 00:22:04,685
Earl Hickey is going
to take me to a gay bar?.

341
00:22:04,790 --> 00:22:07,054
I don't have a choice, Kenny.

342
00:22:08,927 --> 00:22:11,452
[Men Chattering]

343
00:22:14,433 --> 00:22:16,867
[Earl Narrating]
I didn't wanna be the only non-gay there...

344
00:22:16,968 --> 00:22:21,564
so luckily, Randy agreed to go as soon
as he heard there were gonna be bubbles.

345
00:22:23,475 --> 00:22:25,602
You like that one?.

346
00:22:25,711 --> 00:22:28,737
Uh, I don't- I don't know.
He's cute, I guess.

347
00:22:28,847 --> 00:22:31,372
All right. I'll go talk to him.

348
00:22:31,483 --> 00:22:33,246
You wanna be the man
or the woman?.

349
00:22:33,352 --> 00:22:36,185
Wait. You're just gonna
go over there and talk to him?.

350
00:22:36,288 --> 00:22:40,247
Yeah. He's gay, but he ain't gonna bite me.
He ain't gonna bite me, is he?.

351
00:22:40,359 --> 00:22:44,352
- Look, maybe I should do this myself.
- I can't let you do that.

352
00:22:44,463 --> 00:22:47,364
I gotta be the one to help you
if I wanna cross you off my list.

353
00:22:47,466 --> 00:22:50,663
Wait, wait, wait.
You have helped me.

354
00:22:50,769 --> 00:22:53,431
Look, my whole life
I've been scared to be who I really am...

355
00:22:53,538 --> 00:22:55,972
because of what people
might think.

356
00:22:56,074 --> 00:22:58,770
But then Earl Hickey
brought me to a gay bar.

357
00:22:58,877 --> 00:23:03,905
Earl Hickey went to Express for Men
and bought me a shirt.

358
00:23:04,015 --> 00:23:08,008
Earl Hickey, the one man
I was the most scared of in my whole life...

359
00:23:08,120 --> 00:23:10,213
has accepted me as I am.

360
00:23:11,823 --> 00:23:15,350
Look, when we were kids,
you took away my confidence.

361
00:23:15,460 --> 00:23:20,124
But today you gave it back.
Thanks, Earl.

362
00:23:24,803 --> 00:23:27,465
You can cross me off your list.

363
00:23:30,976 --> 00:23:32,876
[Earl Narrating]
And there you have it.

364
00:23:32,978 --> 00:23:35,708
Never underestimate
the power of confidence.

365
00:23:35,814 --> 00:23:39,875
It's midnight, boys. And that means
it's time to take it old school.

366
00:23:44,790 --> 00:23:49,022
Oh, no, you didn't.
Tell me you didn't just go old school!

367
00:23:59,037 --> 00:24:01,437
[Earl Narrating]
And never under estimate 15 beers...

368
00:24:01,540 --> 00:24:04,134
a little enlightenment...

369
00:24:04,242 --> 00:24:07,143
and the power of
Rob Base and DJ EZ Rock.

370
00:24:09,247 --> 00:24:13,081
Well, one down, 258 to go.

371
00:24:18,491 --> 00:24:20,800
Montaje: mikiantimadridista & Redención
Subtítulos: dahhny

372
00:24:21,491 --> 00:24:23,800
.: tusseries & subXpacio :.