1
00:00:02,160 --> 00:00:05,120
You know the kind of guy
who does nothing but bad things...

2
00:00:05,200 --> 00:00:07,080
and then wonders why
his life sucks?

3
00:00:07,160 --> 00:00:11,240
Well, that was me.
Every time somethin' good happened to me...

4
00:00:11,320 --> 00:00:13,680
somethin 'bad
was always waitin' around the corner.

5
00:00:15,760 --> 00:00:17,320
Karma.

6
00:00:17,400 --> 00:00:19,440
That's when I realized
I had to change.

7
00:00:20,800 --> 00:00:23,120
So I made a list
of everything bad I've ever done...

8
00:00:23,200 --> 00:00:26,000
and, one by one, I'm gonna make up
for all my mistakes.

9
00:00:26,120 --> 00:00:28,000
I'm just tryin '
to be a better person.

10
00:00:28,080 --> 00:00:30,520
My name is Earl.

11
00:00:37,680 --> 00:00:40,520
[ Earl Narrating ]
Randy and I usually avoid exercise at all costs...

12
00:00:40,600 --> 00:00:42,440
but sometimes there's
no way around it.

13
00:00:42,520 --> 00:00:44,520
[ Bird Shrieks ]

14
00:00:45,600 --> 00:00:47,360
[ Grunting ]

15
00:00:47,440 --> 00:00:50,080
[ Panting ]

16
00:00:50,160 --> 00:00:52,800
Can we take another break?
I 'm having trouble...

17
00:00:52,920 --> 00:00:55,280
getting air into my mouth
and down to my stomach.

18
00:00:58,480 --> 00:01:00,760
[Earl Narrating]
Running out of gas was karma telling me...

19
00:01:00,880 --> 00:01:03,320
it's time to do
number 62 on my list.

20
00:01:03,440 --> 00:01:05,400
A while back,
Randy and I came across...

21
00:01:05,520 --> 00:01:08,760
the only car on the trailer park
without a locking gas cap.

22
00:01:08,880 --> 00:01:12,680
For about a month before I won the lottery
and stopped stealing...

23
00:01:12,760 --> 00:01:16,080
that Yugo was like
our own personal Texaco.

24
00:01:18,120 --> 00:01:22,440
[ Earl Narrating ] The first time we did it,
we used garbage bags.

25
00:01:22,520 --> 00:01:24,360
Oh!

26
00:01:24,440 --> 00:01:27,520
Then we found out gas
eats through garbage bags.

27
00:01:27,640 --> 00:01:29,440
Oh!

28
00:01:29,560 --> 00:01:32,360
Eventually, we learned
to put it in cans, which we still had.

29
00:01:32,440 --> 00:01:35,080
So we filled 'em up and headed over
to the trailer park...

30
00:01:35,160 --> 00:01:38,160
- to return the gas and cross it off the list.
- Hey, Crab Man.

31
00:01:38,240 --> 00:01:40,360
Hey, Earl.
What you doin'?

32
00:01:40,440 --> 00:01:44,240
Just looking for a car I stole gas from.
What's with all the magazines?

33
00:01:44,320 --> 00:01:47,600
Joy found my stash of Classy Ass,
and she's making me get rid of them.

34
00:01:47,680 --> 00:01:50,160
Man, that's a lot of Classy Ass.

35
00:01:50,240 --> 00:01:52,400
I bet that's even more
than the president has.

36
00:01:53,440 --> 00:01:55,440
- Hey, dummy.
- [ Both ] Hey.

37
00:01:55,520 --> 00:01:57,920
Darnell, I'm missin' February '04
from this stack.

38
00:01:58,040 --> 00:01:59,920
You better not be hidin' it.

39
00:02:00,000 --> 00:02:02,560
It's behind the pretend fireplace.
I'll go get it.

40
00:02:02,680 --> 00:02:04,560
Darnell, I don't know
why you want to look...

41
00:02:04,640 --> 00:02:07,280
at that Miss February tramp anyway
when you got all this right here.

42
00:02:07,360 --> 00:02:10,320
Darnell, you better look at my boobs
when I'm talkin' about 'em.

43
00:02:11,600 --> 00:02:14,040
- Let's go.
- [ Whispering ] Come on!

44
00:02:14,160 --> 00:02:16,360
[ Laughing ]

45
00:02:18,520 --> 00:02:20,440
[ Vacuum Whirring ]

46
00:02:32,320 --> 00:02:34,360
Excuse me.
Can I talk to you for a second?

47
00:02:34,480 --> 00:02:37,040
I don't vote, I already have a religion,
and I hate whales.

48
00:02:37,120 --> 00:02:39,040
No, no. It's about your car.

49
00:02:39,160 --> 00:02:42,960
- My name's Earl Hickey, and I stole gas from you.
- I never stole gas from you.

50
00:02:43,040 --> 00:02:45,120
No, I stole your gas.

51
00:02:45,240 --> 00:02:49,160
Look, I have a list-
Will you please turn that thing off?

52
00:02:49,280 --> 00:02:51,920
[ Squeaking ]

53
00:02:52,000 --> 00:02:54,120
Give it to me. Okay?

54
00:02:54,240 --> 00:02:55,720
[ Whirring Stops ]

55
00:02:55,840 --> 00:02:58,840
There. See? Nice.
Now we can talk.

56
00:02:58,960 --> 00:03:02,560
Hey! Hey! Hey, what are you doing
with my garment pins?

57
00:03:02,680 --> 00:03:05,440
- Put my pins back!
- I wasn't gonna keep 'em.

58
00:03:05,560 --> 00:03:07,600
I'm just playin'
Daddy Long Fingers.

59
00:03:07,680 --> 00:03:10,480
Hey, calm down!
Put the- Put the rock down!

60
00:03:10,560 --> 00:03:12,880
Look, see, I have this list-

61
00:03:12,960 --> 00:03:16,000
And you want me to sponsor you
by donating a dollar.

62
00:03:16,120 --> 00:03:18,720
- What? No. What I was gonna say is-
- You need directions.

63
00:03:18,840 --> 00:03:21,280
- I don't have time.
- I have a list of bad things I've done.

64
00:03:21,400 --> 00:03:24,040
That rug is very dirty 'cause it's gray.
I should've got the brown one.

65
00:03:24,160 --> 00:03:27,440
- That's the color of dirt, but I wasn't thinkin'.
- I siphoned gas from you!

66
00:03:28,760 --> 00:03:32,400
- When?
- About this time last year.

67
00:03:32,480 --> 00:03:35,920
But I'm bringin' the gas back, see?
Randy, start unloading the gas.

68
00:03:37,360 --> 00:03:39,560
I did you wrong, but now
I'm makin' up for it.

69
00:03:41,240 --> 00:03:43,880
So, do you forgive me?
Can I cross you off my list?

70
00:03:44,000 --> 00:03:45,760
Fine. Whatever.

71
00:03:45,840 --> 00:03:47,680
Thank you.

72
00:03:55,240 --> 00:03:59,160
[Brakes Squeaking]

73
00:03:59,280 --> 00:04:01,400
Man, that guy
was annoying, huh?

74
00:04:01,480 --> 00:04:04,440
Kind a like when you bite
the inside of your cheek, and it swells up...

75
00:04:04,520 --> 00:04:07,000
and you keep bitin' it
and bitin' it and bitin' it.

76
00:04:07,120 --> 00:04:09,840
- Your cheek still hurtin' you, Earl?
- Yeah, a little.

77
00:04:09,920 --> 00:04:12,680
Thanks for askin'.

78
00:04:12,800 --> 00:04:15,360
- [ Horn Honks ]
- [ Man ] Get out of the road!

79
00:04:15,480 --> 00:04:18,480
- What the hell?
- [Woman] Moron!

80
00:04:23,240 --> 00:04:25,800
What are you doin'?

81
00:04:25,920 --> 00:04:28,400
I'm gonna get hit by a car.
I'm killing myself.

82
00:04:28,520 --> 00:04:30,800
Is it because you're annoying?
I bet it's because you're annoying.

83
00:04:30,920 --> 00:04:32,840
It's because if you hadn't
been stealing my gas...

84
00:04:32,960 --> 00:04:35,520
- I'd be dead already.
- What are you talkin' about?

85
00:04:36,800 --> 00:04:38,600
[Earl Narrating]
It ends up...

86
00:04:38,720 --> 00:04:40,800
the month Randy and I
kept stealin' gas...

87
00:04:40,920 --> 00:04:44,840
was the same month this guy kept tryin'
to kill himself with car exhaust.

88
00:04:49,920 --> 00:04:52,200
[ Engine Stalls ]

89
00:04:54,480 --> 00:04:57,200
[ Earl Narrating ]
Only he never had enough gas to do it.

90
00:05:03,840 --> 00:05:07,080
[ Engine Sputtering ]

91
00:05:07,200 --> 00:05:10,240
[ Earl Narrating] Even though he got close,
the car always died before he did.

92
00:05:10,320 --> 00:05:12,200
[ Engine Stalls ]

93
00:05:14,360 --> 00:05:16,200
Ah, nuts!

94
00:05:20,320 --> 00:05:22,920
[ Earl Narrating ]
After a couple weeks, he finally gave up.

95
00:05:23,040 --> 00:05:26,360
Nuts! Nuts! Nuts!
Nuts! Nuts!

96
00:05:28,920 --> 00:05:31,720
Do you know how many times I 've vomited
without getting the benefit of dying?

97
00:05:31,840 --> 00:05:34,720
Seven? No, eight.
Forty-seven?

98
00:05:34,800 --> 00:05:37,760
[ Sputtering ]

99
00:05:37,880 --> 00:05:40,400
This entire time I think that God
is intervening and saving me...

100
00:05:40,520 --> 00:05:43,720
for something real special, but instead
I'm just getting screwed by a couple of thieves.

101
00:05:43,840 --> 00:05:46,440
Maybe God was saving you
to be screwed by thieves.

102
00:05:46,560 --> 00:05:49,000
And when there was only
one set of footsteps...

103
00:05:49,120 --> 00:05:52,080
maybe God was carrying you-
to be screwed by thieves.

104
00:05:52,200 --> 00:05:55,120
Randy. Can we just talk about
what you're doin'? I mean, there's-

105
00:05:55,240 --> 00:05:57,520
A law against killing myself?
Yeah, I don't really care.

106
00:05:57,640 --> 00:06:00,360
What are they gonna do,
give me a ticket when I'm dead?

107
00:06:00,480 --> 00:06:03,040
- There's a car coming. You gotta move.
- "No kidding, officer.

108
00:06:03,120 --> 00:06:05,480
- It's easy to remain silent, cause I'm dead!"
- A car is coming!

109
00:06:08,760 --> 00:06:11,120
I'm killing myself, and there's nothing
you can do to stop me.

110
00:06:12,600 --> 00:06:14,600
[ Car Approaches ]

111
00:06:20,520 --> 00:06:24,000
- Nuts!
- [Horn Honking]

112
00:06:25,080 --> 00:06:27,440
[ Honking Continues ]

113
00:06:28,760 --> 00:06:31,200
It's fine, Earl.
The carpet will protect him.

114
00:06:31,280 --> 00:06:33,800
- Randy, I think we need to help this guy.
- I say we don't.

115
00:06:33,920 --> 00:06:36,200
You already crossed him off your list.
I saw you do it.

116
00:06:36,280 --> 00:06:39,200
- We don't have to help him.
- We don't technically have to help him.

117
00:06:39,280 --> 00:06:41,680
But we can't just walk away.
What are we supposed to do...

118
00:06:41,760 --> 00:06:43,840
- stand here and watch him get run over?
- [ Horn Honks ]

119
00:06:43,920 --> 00:06:46,560
No, I don't want to see it.
But if we get in our car...

120
00:06:46,640 --> 00:06:48,880
and hear a thump and a scream,
that's none of our business.

121
00:06:49,000 --> 00:06:50,880
I'm sorry, Randy.
I can't explain it.

122
00:06:50,960 --> 00:06:53,520
This whole list thing has me feelin' things
I've never felt before.

123
00:06:53,640 --> 00:06:56,400
- I can't just walk away from the guy.
- Then let's run, Earl.

124
00:06:56,480 --> 00:06:58,880
Let's run away from him.
We could make it a race. It'll be fun.

125
00:06:58,960 --> 00:07:01,760
Look, he's not that bad.

126
00:07:01,840 --> 00:07:05,480
- [ Air Brakes Hiss ]
- Hey, buddy, today's your lucky day.

127
00:07:05,560 --> 00:07:07,760
I'm gonna help you find
a reason to live.

128
00:07:07,840 --> 00:07:10,720
[ Sneezes, Coughs ]

129
00:07:12,960 --> 00:07:17,280
You know, uh, most people
cover their mouths when they do that.

130
00:07:21,320 --> 00:07:23,200
[Earl Narrating]
Findin'someone a reason to live...

131
00:07:23,320 --> 00:07:27,280
isn't something I've ever had to do before,
especially someone I hardly knew.

132
00:07:27,400 --> 00:07:29,600
So, suicide guy-

133
00:07:29,720 --> 00:07:31,920
Philo.

134
00:07:32,040 --> 00:07:34,800
Philo, uh, why do you
want to kill yourself?

135
00:07:34,880 --> 00:07:37,040
'Cause I don't have a job,
I don't have any friends...

136
00:07:37,160 --> 00:07:40,480
I live in a trailer with no heat,
I fail at everything, and my feet hurt.

137
00:07:41,600 --> 00:07:43,440
You ever try different shoes?

138
00:07:43,520 --> 00:07:45,400
I gotta go tinkle.

139
00:07:47,160 --> 00:07:51,720
"Tinkle." That is so stupid.
I wonder what he calls goin' ploppies.

140
00:07:51,800 --> 00:07:55,240
Man, that guy is a drag.
Is he someone on your list?

141
00:07:55,320 --> 00:07:58,200
He was, but I crossed him off,
so I'm finished with him.

142
00:07:58,280 --> 00:08:01,120
- But I'm helping him anyway.
- Why?

143
00:08:01,240 --> 00:08:04,040
I don't know. Guy wants to kill himself.
I can't just walk away from him.

144
00:08:04,120 --> 00:08:06,560
Are you gonna start helpin' people
that aren't on your list now?

145
00:08:06,680 --> 00:08:09,520
'Cause if you do, we'll never finish it
and get back to stealing again.

146
00:08:09,640 --> 00:08:12,080
You don't really understand
my list, do you, Randy?

147
00:08:12,200 --> 00:08:14,240
No. Not really.

148
00:08:14,360 --> 00:08:17,440
- [Metal Crashes]
- [Rattling]

149
00:08:18,440 --> 00:08:20,760
[Water Dripping]

150
00:08:23,960 --> 00:08:26,480
Oh, hi, guys.
Would either one of you mind picking up...

151
00:08:26,560 --> 00:08:29,240
that broken pipe
and beating me to death with it?

152
00:08:34,040 --> 00:08:36,320
- Randy, put it down.
- But, Earl, he said he wanted me to-

153
00:08:36,440 --> 00:08:39,400
Put it down!

154
00:08:41,640 --> 00:08:44,840
[Earl Narrating] I realized if I was
gonna keep Philo from killing himself...

155
00:08:44,920 --> 00:08:46,920
it wasn't enough
to just babysit him.

156
00:08:47,000 --> 00:08:50,560
I needed to find a way to lift his spirits
and get him out of his funk.

157
00:08:50,680 --> 00:08:53,200
First I tried small talk.

158
00:08:53,280 --> 00:08:55,840
That's a real interesting birthmark
you got on the back of your neck.

159
00:08:55,960 --> 00:08:58,800
My mom hit me with a curling iron.
I had spilled cereal on the carpet.

160
00:08:58,880 --> 00:09:01,560
Didn't even have milk in it.

161
00:09:01,680 --> 00:09:04,920
Hmm. So your mom wears
her hair curly, huh?

162
00:09:10,240 --> 00:09:12,120
[Earl Narrating]
When small talk didn't work...

163
00:09:12,200 --> 00:09:15,800
we tried showin' him other ways to have fun-
You know, like motel hockey.

164
00:09:25,120 --> 00:09:27,400
- Randy!
- That was a clean hit.

165
00:09:27,520 --> 00:09:30,840
[ Earl Narrating] Nothin' was workin',
and since suicide is a serious thing...

166
00:09:30,960 --> 00:09:33,000
I thought I should consult an expert.

167
00:09:33,120 --> 00:09:35,160
Since experts write books,
I went to the bookstore...

168
00:09:35,280 --> 00:09:37,800
a place I had only been
once before.

169
00:09:37,920 --> 00:09:39,840
[ Man ]
Hey! Come back here!

170
00:09:43,040 --> 00:09:45,280
Excuse me, sir.
Uh, do you people have...

171
00:09:45,400 --> 00:09:49,120
anything here like a book a guy can use
to keep a guy from killing himself?

172
00:09:49,240 --> 00:09:53,600
We have Self-Esteem For Dummies,
but I think that's sold out.

173
00:09:53,720 --> 00:09:55,880
Try the self-help section.

174
00:09:56,000 --> 00:09:58,200
Oh, and we also have
a large selection of Books on Tape.

175
00:09:58,280 --> 00:10:00,520
What do you mean, like, sticky?
(Cassete = Tape = Cinta adhesiva)

176
00:10:00,640 --> 00:10:02,880
Cassette tape. It's a book...

177
00:10:02,960 --> 00:10:05,440
but the author reads it
to you on tape.

178
00:10:05,560 --> 00:10:07,360
Book on tape.

179
00:10:07,480 --> 00:10:10,040
Wow. It doesn't get any more futuristic
than that, huh?

180
00:10:10,120 --> 00:10:14,520
Well, actually it does. You can download
the books directly to your iPod now.

181
00:10:14,600 --> 00:10:18,520
iPod, huh? What is that,
some sort of space capsule or something?

182
00:10:21,600 --> 00:10:26,120
Think I got it. It's a book on tape
called Something to Live For.

183
00:10:26,240 --> 00:10:29,280
I also got a novel version of Road House
read by Patrick Swayze.

184
00:10:29,400 --> 00:10:31,200
The best cooler
in the business?

185
00:10:31,320 --> 00:10:33,960
This'll be great.
Books are written by smart people...

186
00:10:34,080 --> 00:10:36,520
- and smart people know how to fix problems.
- No, thanks.

187
00:10:36,640 --> 00:10:39,120
Come on, Philo.
I'm tryin' to save your life.

188
00:10:40,360 --> 00:10:43,160
Catalina, hold up.

189
00:10:43,240 --> 00:10:46,120
I need to ask you a favor.
I got this guy who, uh-

190
00:10:46,200 --> 00:10:48,240
Well, he needs
something to live for.

191
00:10:48,360 --> 00:10:50,480
I am not sleeping
with that man.

192
00:10:50,600 --> 00:10:52,400
No, no.
Of course you're not.

193
00:10:52,520 --> 00:10:54,680
I know that.
Just make out with him a little.

194
00:10:54,760 --> 00:10:56,600
No. I can smell him from here.

195
00:10:56,680 --> 00:10:58,520
It's okay.
I'm not interested.

196
00:10:58,600 --> 00:11:01,960
I already got a girl I love.
She's hot.

197
00:11:02,080 --> 00:11:06,480
- Wait. You love a girl?
- Yeah, but she hates me-
or she would if she met me.

198
00:11:06,600 --> 00:11:09,840
- I don't even know her name.
- Excuse me. I'm hot.

199
00:11:09,960 --> 00:11:12,600
You're okay, but compared to my girl,
you look like one of those things...

200
00:11:12,680 --> 00:11:15,480
from The Lord of the Rings that crawled
out of the ground, attacked the castle.

201
00:11:15,560 --> 00:11:18,680
This uniform is not flattering.
You should see me in jeans and a bra.

202
00:11:18,760 --> 00:11:21,640
Ewoks.
Those are called Ewoks.

203
00:11:21,720 --> 00:11:24,840
Randy, this could be it. If we can get
this girl Philo likes to like him...

204
00:11:24,960 --> 00:11:27,600
it'll give him something to live for,
and we won't have to watch him...

205
00:11:27,720 --> 00:11:29,720
every second of every day.

206
00:11:32,640 --> 00:11:34,720
[ Water Bubbling ]

207
00:11:38,000 --> 00:11:39,880
[ Muffled ]
I'll get the hook.

208
00:11:40,000 --> 00:11:42,840
[Earl Narrating] After we fished Philo
out of the bottom of the pool...

209
00:11:42,920 --> 00:11:48,520
we cleaned him up and got him ready to go meet
who we hoped would be his new girlfriend.

210
00:11:48,640 --> 00:11:51,240
It finally felt like I might actually get him
out of our lives...

211
00:11:51,320 --> 00:11:55,080
and I could go back to only
helping people on my list.

212
00:11:55,160 --> 00:11:57,800
- That- That's the girl you love?
- Yeah.

213
00:11:57,880 --> 00:12:00,840
Oh, please.
Victoria's Secret is just as bad.

214
00:12:00,960 --> 00:12:04,080
Just 'cause they're classy
doesn't mean they're not still whores!

215
00:12:05,880 --> 00:12:07,720
Son of a bitch.

216
00:12:11,960 --> 00:12:15,120
[Joy] I don't know why you want a Prius
when you got a Maserati right here.

217
00:12:15,240 --> 00:12:17,800
[Dog Barking In Distance ]

218
00:12:17,880 --> 00:12:19,960
You love Joy?

219
00:12:20,080 --> 00:12:23,840
Joy. Classy name
for a classy lady.

220
00:12:23,960 --> 00:12:25,840
Sometimes I watch her
do laundry.

221
00:12:25,960 --> 00:12:27,840
So hot.

222
00:12:53,520 --> 00:12:55,760
Look, you can't ask Joy out on a date.
She's married.

223
00:12:55,840 --> 00:12:59,120
Oh, but she's always yelling at her husband.
I know she's not happy.

224
00:12:59,200 --> 00:13:02,000
Well, that's her happy.
She's just a bitch.

225
00:13:02,120 --> 00:13:05,280
You know I love Darnell, but if it'll
get this guy out of our lives...

226
00:13:05,360 --> 00:13:09,320
maybe we should consider,
you know, killin' Darnell.

227
00:13:09,440 --> 00:13:11,400
Randy, we're not killin' Darnell.

228
00:13:11,480 --> 00:13:14,360
- I knew this wasn't gonna work.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa. No.

229
00:13:14,480 --> 00:13:17,840
H-Hold on now. I-I think this could work.
Let me talk to Joy.

230
00:13:17,960 --> 00:13:19,960
Randy, take him back
to the motel.

231
00:13:20,080 --> 00:13:22,680
[ Exhales ] All right, Philo,
would you rather-

232
00:13:22,800 --> 00:13:25,040
Sit in the back of the truck
'cause you hate me.

233
00:13:25,120 --> 00:13:27,320
- No, what I was gonna say is-
- That you hate me.

234
00:13:27,440 --> 00:13:29,680
I had to ride in the trunk once.
It was raining-

235
00:13:29,760 --> 00:13:32,560
Pizza or burgers? Pizza or burgers?
Pizza! Pizza! We're gettin' pizza!

236
00:13:32,640 --> 00:13:34,640
- I like burgers.
- Too bad.

237
00:13:34,760 --> 00:13:37,400
[Earl Narrating] You may think me asking
my ex-wife for help was crazy...

238
00:13:37,520 --> 00:13:39,400
but sometimes you gotta
fight crazy with crazy.

239
00:13:39,480 --> 00:13:41,760
I wasn't flirting with her, Joy.
She's a Girl Scout.

240
00:13:41,840 --> 00:13:45,040
- I like Slim Mints.
- Well, you ain't gettin' 'em,
'cause she ain't comin' back.

241
00:13:45,120 --> 00:13:48,040
Not after what I did
to her bicycle.

242
00:13:48,160 --> 00:13:52,520
Hey, Crab Man.
I was lookin' to have a word with Joy.

243
00:13:52,600 --> 00:13:54,840
Hey, Earl. Come on in.
We're just fightin'. Joy's jealous.

244
00:13:54,960 --> 00:13:57,040
I am not jealous.
You're the one that should be jealous.

245
00:13:57,160 --> 00:13:59,760
I can't even walk down the street
without guys offerin' to do me.

246
00:13:59,840 --> 00:14:02,280
I take that as a compliment.
I don't get jealous.

247
00:14:02,360 --> 00:14:05,160
That is a lie.
Everybody gets jealous.

248
00:14:05,240 --> 00:14:07,400
Hell, even frogs get jealous.
I saw that on TV.

249
00:14:07,480 --> 00:14:09,800
That's what all that
croaking's about.

250
00:14:09,880 --> 00:14:11,720
What do you want?

251
00:14:11,800 --> 00:14:14,000
[Earl Narrating]
I could tell it wasn't the best time...

252
00:14:14,080 --> 00:14:16,600
but I asked Joy
my favor anyway.

253
00:14:16,720 --> 00:14:20,400
I figured if she'd sit down with Philo
and tell him that she would date him...

254
00:14:20,520 --> 00:14:24,080
if she weren't already married,
it might give him enough hope in the future...

255
00:14:24,160 --> 00:14:26,480
to stop tryin' to kill himself.

256
00:14:26,560 --> 00:14:29,240
At least long enough
for me to walk away.

257
00:14:31,240 --> 00:14:34,160
Tell that little doofus to meet me on Friday
at the Crab Shack.

258
00:14:34,240 --> 00:14:38,240
Really? Thanks, Joy.
This is a big help.

259
00:14:38,360 --> 00:14:41,560
Oh, and I hear you're wearin' underwear again.
Good for you.

260
00:14:47,640 --> 00:14:50,840
Doesn't get jealous, huh?
[ Chuckles ]

261
00:14:50,920 --> 00:14:54,600
Boys, get Mama's plastic stripper shoes
out of your Lego box.

262
00:14:54,680 --> 00:14:57,560
[Earl Narrating] When the big day arrived,
I was feelin' nervous.

263
00:14:57,640 --> 00:15:00,200
It seemed like we were close
to finally gettin'rid of Philo...

264
00:15:00,280 --> 00:15:02,600
and I didn't want
anything to go wrong.

265
00:15:02,680 --> 00:15:05,480
- Hey, Earl.
- Hey, Crab Man. Need a few beers.

266
00:15:05,560 --> 00:15:09,320
Oh, I 'm sorry. Boss said I can't serve you
until you fix that pipe in the bathroom.

267
00:15:09,400 --> 00:15:11,640
It sprays people
when they flush.

268
00:15:11,760 --> 00:15:15,000
Luckily, only a few people
that flushed so far.

269
00:15:29,680 --> 00:15:31,800
[ Exhaling ]

270
00:15:35,400 --> 00:15:38,960
- You're breathin' loud.
- That's because you made me use toothpaste.

271
00:15:39,040 --> 00:15:41,440
It makes the sores
in my mouth sting.

272
00:15:54,920 --> 00:15:57,960
You that weird guy that likes to watch me
take my underwear off my clothesline?

273
00:15:58,080 --> 00:16:00,360
- One of them. Yes, ma'am.
- Beat it, Randy.

274
00:16:01,960 --> 00:16:03,800
[Bell Dings]

275
00:16:06,800 --> 00:16:10,760
- I hear you have a crush on me.
- Yes.

276
00:16:10,880 --> 00:16:12,880
Hmm. That's nice.

277
00:16:12,960 --> 00:16:14,800
Do me a favor?
Put your hand...

278
00:16:14,880 --> 00:16:17,680
on my leg right here
and just kind of rub it around.

279
00:16:17,760 --> 00:16:20,680
Like that.
No, this side. Okay.

280
00:16:20,800 --> 00:16:23,480
You like that, darlin'?
Huh?

281
00:16:24,960 --> 00:16:27,200
'Cause I shaved
above the knee today.

282
00:16:29,000 --> 00:16:31,560
- So much better than a doll.
- Hmm.

283
00:16:31,680 --> 00:16:34,680
[ Chuckles ]

284
00:16:34,760 --> 00:16:36,720
Get your hands off my wife.

285
00:16:36,800 --> 00:16:38,840
What's the matter with you?

286
00:16:38,920 --> 00:16:40,760
I thought you didn't get jealous.

287
00:16:40,840 --> 00:16:45,240
Guess I was wrong. 'Cause my heart feels
like there's blood gushing in and out of it.

288
00:16:45,360 --> 00:16:47,920
- That's what a heart's supposed to do.
- Shut up!

289
00:16:48,000 --> 00:16:51,160
Oh, baby.
That's how my heart feels.

290
00:16:51,240 --> 00:16:53,360
That's all I needed
to hear.

291
00:16:58,880 --> 00:17:01,640
- [ Chuckles ]
- I'm so sorry.

292
00:17:01,760 --> 00:17:06,400
Uh- Um, I thought
we were on a date.

293
00:17:06,480 --> 00:17:08,320
It was a date.

294
00:17:08,400 --> 00:17:10,240
But not all dates
are good ones, honey.

295
00:17:10,320 --> 00:17:13,840
Sometimes it ends up with your sweetie
doin' a black man in the bathroom.

296
00:17:13,960 --> 00:17:15,800
Come on.

297
00:17:21,920 --> 00:17:23,800
What are you doin' here?
Where's Philo?

298
00:17:23,920 --> 00:17:28,160
- He's gone. I blew him off.
- Damn it, Joy. I told you he's suicidal.

299
00:17:28,240 --> 00:17:30,120
Come on, Randy.

300
00:17:38,000 --> 00:17:40,800
[Earl Narrating]
I wanted to find Philo as fast as I could...

301
00:17:40,880 --> 00:17:42,720
but we had to stop for gas.

302
00:17:42,800 --> 00:17:45,640
It made sense.
I'd stolen gas more than once.

303
00:17:45,760 --> 00:17:48,360
- Karma was payin'me back more than once.
- [ Bird Shrieks ]

304
00:17:48,480 --> 00:17:51,680
We gotta stop, Earl.
I can feel my heartbeat in my teeth.

305
00:17:51,760 --> 00:17:54,880
Sorry, Randy. We can't.
We gotta get to a gas station.

306
00:17:54,960 --> 00:17:57,120
I 'm not lettin' Philo
die on my watch.

307
00:18:02,800 --> 00:18:05,720
[Earl Narrating]
And then I saw the thing I feared the most.

308
00:18:14,320 --> 00:18:17,240
- Hi, Earl.
- Holy Moses!

309
00:18:17,320 --> 00:18:20,160
You scared the crap out of me.
I thought you were dead.

310
00:18:20,240 --> 00:18:23,280
Dead? [ Laughs ] Why would I be dead?
You crack me up, Earl.

311
00:18:23,400 --> 00:18:25,520
I was just listening
to this tape you gave me.

312
00:18:25,640 --> 00:18:28,480
- I don't have a cassette player in the house.
- I thought you killed yourself.

313
00:18:28,560 --> 00:18:30,720
- Kill-
- [Man] Doesn't that give you
something to live for?

314
00:18:30,800 --> 00:18:33,080
Why would I kill myself?
That's crazy.

315
00:18:33,160 --> 00:18:35,160
Is it? The woman you love
just blew you off...

316
00:18:35,240 --> 00:18:38,360
and two days ago you tried to kill yourself
'cause a squirrel looked at you wrong.

317
00:18:38,440 --> 00:18:41,840
I know.
But that was before I had friends.

318
00:18:41,960 --> 00:18:43,800
Excuse me?

319
00:18:43,880 --> 00:18:47,080
Yeah. I mean there's no reason to kill myself
now that I got friends.

320
00:18:48,720 --> 00:18:52,280
If he has friends, how come they haven't been
helping instead of us?

321
00:18:52,400 --> 00:18:55,480
I think he means us, Randy.

322
00:18:55,600 --> 00:18:57,400
[Earl Narrating]
That's when I realized...

323
00:18:57,520 --> 00:19:00,240
that while Randy and I
were tryin'to find him a reason to live...

324
00:19:00,360 --> 00:19:03,280
he found it on his own-
us, his new friends.

325
00:19:03,400 --> 00:19:06,480
Hey, why don't you guys come in and watch
my old wrestling tapes from high school?

326
00:19:06,600 --> 00:19:10,640
I wasn't on the team or nothin', but me
and my sister had some real close matches.

327
00:19:10,760 --> 00:19:13,960
I know you don't understand why, Randy,
but I gotta go inside.

328
00:19:14,080 --> 00:19:16,520
- If you want to take the car-
- I'll go in there with you.

329
00:19:16,640 --> 00:19:19,280
- Really?
- Yeah. That guy didn't kill himself
'cause of us, Earl...

330
00:19:19,400 --> 00:19:21,200
and that's kinda cool.

331
00:19:21,320 --> 00:19:25,040
Makes me feel weird in my stomach, but I like it.
Is that why you wanna help him...

332
00:19:25,160 --> 00:19:27,920
- 'cause of that weird feeling in your stomach?
- I guess it is.

333
00:19:28,000 --> 00:19:30,000
Hey, come on.
I cleaned all the junk off the couch.

334
00:19:30,120 --> 00:19:33,080
I found a real big blanket
we can sit under.

335
00:19:33,200 --> 00:19:36,080
How long you think
we need to be his friends?

336
00:19:36,200 --> 00:19:38,640
- I'm not sure.
- I still don't like him, Earl.

337
00:19:38,760 --> 00:19:42,160
I know, Randy.
I don't like him either.

998
00:19:48,000 --> 00:19:52,800
Montaje: Redención
Subtítulos: dahhny

999
00:19:54,491 --> 00:19:59,800
.: tusseries & subXpacio :.